assertiveness- dr felton lean

8/6/2019 Assertiveness- Dr Felton Lean

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Dr Felton Lean, L2S GlobalServices, Bangalore


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FRAMES-FRAMINGRE-FRAMING

Frames are "Frame of Reference: The context, viewpoint, or set of presuppositions

or of evaluative criteria within which a person's perception and thinking seem

always to occur, and which constrains selectively the course and outcome of these

activities"

Or in simple words, a blue print of everything that happens around you- all

experiences captured and stored in your brain- so every time we need to respond

to a stimuli in order to communicate- we check with our Frame/Frames of

reference and then act



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FRAMES-FRAMINGRE-FRAMING

NO TWO people in the world can go through the exact copy of eachothers life so naturally all frames are different from each other-or again

in simplistic terms, the looking glass of our lives are different from each

other .

Framing is an inevitable process of selective influence over the individual's

perception of the meanings attributed to words or phrases.



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UNDERSTANDING PASSIVE BEHAVIOR

Mottoes and Beliefs "Don't express your true feelings."

"Don't make waves."

"Don't disagree."

"Others have more rights than I do.

Communication Style Indirect

Always agrees Doesn't speak up

Hesitant

Characteristics Apologetic, self-conscious

Trusts others, but not self

Doesn't express own wants and feelings Allows others to make decisions for self

Doesn't get what he or she wants



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Verbal Cues "You should do it."

"You have more experience than I do."

"I can't......" "This is probably wrong, but..."

"I'll try..."

Monotone, low energy

Confrontation and Problem Solving Avoids, ignores, leaves, postpones

Withdraws, is sullen and silent

Agrees externally, while disagreeing internally

Expends energy to avoid conflicts that are anxiety provoking Spends too much time asking for advice, supervision

Agrees too often



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Feelings Felt Powerlessness

Wonders why doesn't receive credit for good work Chalks lack of recognition to others' inabilities

Effects Gives up being him or herself

Builds dependency relationships

Doesn't know where he or she stands Slowly loses self esteem

Promotes others' causes

Is not well-liked



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UNDERSTANDING AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR

Mottos and Beliefs "Everyone should be like me."

"I am never wrong."

"I've got rights, but you don't.

Communication Style Close minded

Poor listener

Has difficulty seeing the other person's point of view

Interrupts

Monopolizing

Characteristics Achieves goals, often at others' expense

Domineering, bullying

Patronizing

Condescending, sarcastic



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Behavior Puts others down

Doesn't ever think they are wrong

Bossy

Moves into people's space, overpowers

Jumps on others, pushes people around

Know-it-all attitude

Doesn't show appreciation

Nonverbal Cues Points, shakes finger

Frowns

Squints eyes critically

Glares

Stares

Rigid posture

Critical, loud, yelling tone of voice

Fast, clipped speech

Verbal Cues "You must (should, ought better)."

"Don't ask why. Just do it."

Verbal abuse



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Confrontation and Problem Solving Must win arguments, threatens, attacks

Operates from win/lose position

Feelings Felt Anger

Hostility

Frustration Impatience

Effects Provokes counter aggression, alienation from others, ill health

Wastes time and energy over supervising others Pays high price in human relationships

Fosters resistance, defiance, sabotaging, striking back, forming alliances,lying, covering up

Forces compliance with resentment



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UNDERSTANDING ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR

Mottoes and Beliefs

Believes self and others are valuable

Knowing that assertiveness doesn't mean you always win, but thatyou handled the situation as effectively as possible

"I have rights and so do others."

Communication Style

Effective, active listener

States limits, expectations

States observations, no labels or judgments

Expresses self directly, honestly, and as soon as possible aboutfeelings and wants

Checks on others feelings



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Characteristics Non-judgmental

Observes behavior rather than labeling it Trusts self and others

Confident

Self-aware

Open, flexible, versatile

Playful, sense of humor

Decisive

Proactive, initiatingBehavior

Operates from choice

Knows what it is needed and develops a plan to get it

Action-oriented

Firm

Realistic in her expectations

Fair, just

Consistent

Takes appropriate action toward getting what she wants without denyingrights of others



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Feelings Felt

Enthusiasm

Well being

Even tempered

Effects

Increased self-esteem and self-confidence

Increased self-esteem of others

Feels motivated and understood

Others know where they stand



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when an issue is really minor;

when the problems caused by the

conflict are greater than the conflictitself;

when emotions are running high and itmakes sense to take a break in order

to calm down and regain perspective;

when your power is much lower than

the other party's;

When the other's position is

impossible to change for all practicalpurposes (i.e., government policies,

etc.)

When can Passiveness work?



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When can Aggression work?

when a decision has to be made

quickly;

during emergencies;

when you know you're right and

that fact is crucial;



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WHAT ASSERTIVENESS CAN DO FOR YOU

It increases your confidence and self-esteem

You enjoy more balanced lifestyle

You manage colleagues and friends effectively and empathetically

You increased work effectiveness and productivity

You Concentrate on whats within YOUR control, rather than whats

beyond YOUR control. For instance, you can always control how you react

to a situation, but you cant control how others react.



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Every problem seems to have a win-win solution. Assertive communicators first

ask what the other person or party wants and then quickly negotiate a solution that

everyone can live with.

Because problems are solved more quickly, resentment, frustration and othertensions that block peak performance are minimized.

Assertive behavior can actually reduce physical and mental stress in the workplace

because people feel less like victims and more like influencers.



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Communication becomes clearer and more concise, which reducesmisunderstandings and clarifies expectations. Phrases like I thought you

meant virtually disappear.

In an assertive work environment, people speak up and say whats on their

minds. They arent afraid their ideas will be shunned, ridiculed or

ignored.

Dr Felton Lean, L2S Global

Services, Bangalore


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Finally, You can have the power to say NO!!


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Develop a value and belief system which allows you toassert yourself.

This is the hardest part. It means giving yourselfpermission to be angry, to say "No," to ask for help,

to make mistakes.


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3) Escalating Assertion

This occurs when the other person fails to respond to your basic assertionand continues to violate your rights.

You gradually escalate the assertion and become increasingly firm. It mayeven include the mention of some type of resulting action on your part,made only after several basic assertive statements.

For example, "If you don't complete the work on my car by 5:00 tomorrow,I'll be forced to call the Better Business Bureau."


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4) I-Language Assertion

This is especially useful for expressing negative feelings. It involves a 3-part statement:

When you do . . . (describe the behavior). The effects are . . . (describe how the behavior concretely affects

you).

I'd prefer. . . (describe what you want).

The real focus in I-Language Assertion is on the "I feel," "I want" part of

the statement. When expressing anger, often the tendency is to blame theother person, fly off the handle and get caught up in the emotion.


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There are four parts to effective assertive communication - Here is theformula:

I feel ___________ when __________ because ________. I need___________.

Part 1: I feel Start by expressing how you feel about the behavior. Stickto one of the five or six basic emotions: I feel overwhelmed, angry,hurt, etc.

Part 2: When What specifically bothers you about the behavior orsituation? Examples: When the family expects me to do this every year,When it is assumed I will do it, etc.

Part 3: Because How does the behavior affect you? Examples: I feelpressured to do something I really cant do this year, and It makes mefeel taken advantage of.

Part 4: I need This is the tough part for people like Mary who feel guiltysimply letting others (especially family members) know what their needsare. I need has nothing to do with being selfish.


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Maintain comfortable direct eye contact;

keep your posture open and relaxed;

be sure your facial expression agrees with the message;

keep a level, well-modulated tone of voice; select an appropriate time to

be assertive.


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In the beginning, don't try changing your behavior in loaded or

difficult situations.

Practice first in the least risky ones.


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Lets Practice saying NO FIRST


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I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF SEVERAL PROJECTS

let people know when you have accepted other responsibilities

no need to make excuses if you don't have any free time no one will fault you for having already filled your plate

I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT

you might be uncomfortable with any of a number of issues

the people involved, the type of work, the morale implications,etc.

this is a very respectful way to avoid a sticky situation

I AM NOT TAKING ON ANY NEW RESPONSIBILITIES

you aren't saying that you will never help out again just that you feel your schedule is as full as you would like now

understanding your limits is a talent to be expected


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I AM NOT THE MOST QUALIFIED PERSON FOR THE JOB

if you don't feel that you have adequate skills, that's okay it's better to admit your limitations up front

the best way to avoid feeling overwhelmed down the road

I DO NOT ENJOY THAT KIND OF WORK

life isn't about drudgery -- if you don't enjoy it, why do it? don't be afraid to let someone know you just don't want to

someone else is bound to enjoy the work you don't

I DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE ROOM IN MY CALENDAR

be honest if your schedule is filled "filled" doesn't have to mean really filled

know when you are scheduled as much as you are willing and stop


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I HATE TO SPLIT MY ATTENTION AMONG PROJECTS

let people know that you want to do a good job for them

but you can't when your focus is too divided or splintered you will be more effective if you focus on one project at a time

I HAVE ANOTHER COMMITMENT

it doesn't matter what the commitment is it can even simply be time to yourself or with friends or family

you don't have to justify -- you simply aren't available

I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE WITH THAT

volunteering shouldn't mean learning an entirely new set of skills suggest that they find someone who has experience in that area

offer to help out with something that you already know how to do


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I KNOW YOU WILL DO A WONDERFUL JOB YOURSELF

people often ask for help because they doubt their own abilities let them know that you have confidence they will succeed

you are actually doing them a favor in the long run

I NEED TO FOCUS MORE ON MY PERSONAL LIFE

don't be ashamed of wanting to spend time with your family

having a strong family is an important priority in and of itself be willing to put your personal needs first

I NEED TO FOCUS ON MY CAREER RIGHT NOW

often, you have to focus your energies on a work-related task

you may have to give up some civic or community duties if you don't do it, someone else will take on the task


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I NEED TO LEAVE SOME FREE TIME FOR MYSELF

it's okay to be selfish -- in a good way!

treat your personal time like any other appointment

block off time in your calendar and guard it with your life

I WOULD RATHER DECLINE THAN DO A MEDIOCRE JOB

know when you aren't going to be able to deliver a quality product

the reason doesn't matter -- not enough time, wrong skills, etc.

whatever the reason is enough for turning a request down

I WOULD RATHER HELP OUT WITH ANOTHER TASK

saying no doesn't mean that you can't help at all

if someone asks you to do something you really despise, refuse

then offer to help with something you find more enjoyable


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LET ME HOOK YOUUP WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN DO IT

if you aren't available to help out, offer another qualified resource

helping to connect people is a valuable service to offer make sure the person you refer will represent you well

NO

sometimes it's okay to just say no!

just say it in a way that expresses respect and courtesy leave the door open for good relations

NOT RIGHT NOW, BUT I CAN DO IT LATER

if you really want to help but don't have time, say so

offer to help at a later time or date if they can't wait for you, they'll find someone else


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SOME THINGS HAVE COME UP THAT NEED MY ATTENTION

unexpected things happen that throw your schedule off

accept that you may need to make a few adjustments

it is temporary and you will have more time when life stabilizes

THIS REALLY IS NOT MY STRONG SUIT

it's okay to admit your limitations

knowing what you can handle and what you can't is a skill

your time will be more efficiently spent on something you do well


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L2S Global Services, Bangalore


Services, Bangalore

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