sarah kane - 4.48 psychosis - original

8/13/2019 Sarah Kane - 4.48 Psychosis - Original

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SARAH KANE

PSYCHOSIS

4.48 Psychosis was first performed at the Royal Court Jerwood Theatre

Upstairs, London, on ! June """# The $ast was as follows%

&aniel E'ans

Jo ($)nnes

(adeline *otter

Directed by James (a$donald

Designed by Jeremy Her+ert Lighting by Niel J Edwards

Sound by *aul Arditti

- A very long silence..

/ 0ut you ha'e friends#

- A long silence..

1ou ha'e a lot of friends#

2hat do you offer your friends to ma3e them so supporti'e4

- A long silence..

2hat do you offer your friends to ma3e them so supporti'e4

- A long silence..

2hat do you offer4

-Silence..

a $onsolidated $ons$iousness resides in a dar3ened +an5uetin

hall near the $eilin of a mind whose floor shifts as ten

thousand $o$3roa$hes when a shaft of liht enters as all

thouhts unite in an instant of a$$ord +ody no loner e6pellentas the $o$3roa$hes $omprise a truth whi$h no one e'er utters

) had a niht in whi$h e'erythin was re'ealed to me#How $an ) spea3 aain4

the +ro3en hermaphrodite who trusted hermself alone finds theroom in reality teemin and +es ne'er to wa3e from the

nihtmare

and they were all theree'ery last one of them

and they 3new my name

as ) s$uttled li3e a +eetle alon the +a$3s of their $hairs

Remem+er the liht and +elie'e the liht

An instant of $larity +efore eternal niht

don7t let me foret

) am sad

) feel that the future is hopeless and that thins $annot impro'e

) am +ored and dissatisfied with e'erythin

) am a $omplete failure as a person

) am uilty, ) am +ein punished

) would li3e to 3ill myself

) used to +e a+le to $ry +ut now ) am +eyond tears

) ha'e lost interest in other people

) $an7t ma3e de$isions

) $an7t eat

) $an7t sleep

) $an7t thin3

) $annot o'er$ome my loneliness, my fear, my disust

) am fat

) $annot write

) $annot lo'e

(y +rother is dyin, my lo'er is dyin, ) am 3illin them +oth

) am $harin towards my death

) am terrified of medi$ation

) $annot ma3e lo'e

) $annot fu$3

) $annot +e alone

) $annot +e with others

(y hips are too +i

) disli3e my enitals

At 8#89

when depression 'isits) shall han myself

to the sound of my lo'er7s +reathin

) do not want to die

) ha'e +e$ome so depressed +y the fa$t of my mortality that )ha'e de$ided to $ommit sui$ide

) do not want to li'e

) am :ealous of my sleepin lo'er and $o'er his indu$ed

un$ons$iousness

2hen he wa3es he will en'y my sleepless niht of thouht andspee$h unslurred +y medi$ation

) ha'e resined myself to death this year

Some will $all this self;indulen$e-they are lu$3y not to 3now its truth.

Some will 3now the simple fa$t of pain

This is +e$omin my normality

)t wasn7t for lon, ) wasn7t there lon# 0ut drin3in +itter +la$3

$offee ) $at$h that medi$inal smell in a $loud of an$ient to+a$$o

and somethin tou$hes me in that still pla$e and a wound formtwo years ao opens li3e a $ada'er and a lon +uried shame roars

its foul de$ayin rief#

A room of e6pressionless fa$es strin +lan3ly at my pain,so de'oid of meanin there must +e e'il intent#

&r This and &r That and &r 2hatsit who7s :ust passin

and thouht he7d pop in to ta3e the piss as well# 0urnin ina hot tunnel of dismay, my humiliation $omplete as )

sha3e without reason and stum+le o'er words and ha'enothin to say a+out my 7illness7 whi$h anyway amounts

only to 3nowin that there7s no point in anythin +e$ause

)7m oin to die# And ) am deadlo$3ed +y that smooth psy$hiatri$ 'oi$e of reason whi$h tells me there is an

o+:e$ti'e reality in whi$h my +ody and mind are one# 0ut

) am not here and ne'er ha'e +een# &r This writes it down

and &r That attempts a sympatheti$ murmur# 2at$hinme, :udin me, smellin the $ripplin failure ooin from

my s3in, my desperation $lawin and all;$onsumin pani$

dren$hin me as ) ape in horror at the world and wonderwhy e'eryone is smilin and loo3in at me with se$ret

3nowlede of my a$hin shame#

Shame shame shame#

&rown in your fu$3in shame#

)ns$ruta+le do$tors, sensi+le do$tors, way;out do$tors,do$tors you7d thin3 were fu$3in patients if you weren7t

shown proof otherwise, as3 the same 5uestions, put words

in my mouth, offer $hemi$al $ures for $onenital anuishand $o'er ea$h other7s arses until ) want to s$ream for you,

the only do$tor who e'er tou$hed me 'oluntarily, who

loo3ed me in the eye, who lauhed at my allows humourspo3en in the 'oi$e from the newly;du ra'e, who too3

the piss when ) sha'ed my head, who lied and said it was

ni$e to see me# 2ho lied# And said it was ni$e to see me# )

trusted you, ) lo'ed you, and it7s not losin you that hurts

me, +ut your +are;fa$ed fu$3in falsehoods that

mas5uerade as medi$al notes#

1our truth, your lies, not mine#

And while ) was +elie'in that you were different and thatyou may+e e'en felt the distress that sometimes fli$3ered

a$ross your fa$e and threatened to erupt, you were

$o'erin your arse too# Li3e e'ery othoer stupid mortal$unt#

To my mind that7s +etrayal# And my mind is the su+:e$t of

these +ewildered framents#

Nothin $an e6tinuish my aner#

And nothin $an restore my faith#

This is not a world in whi$h ) wish to li'e#

/Ha'e you made any plans4

/Ta3e an o'erdose, slash my wrists then han myself#

/All those thins toether4

/)t $ouldn7t possi+ly +e mis$onstrued as a $ry for help#

-Silence..

/)t wouldn7t wor3#

/Bf $ourse it would#

/)t wouldn7t wor3# 1ou7d start to feel sleepy from theo'erdose and wouldn7t ha'e the enery to $ut your wrists#

-Silence..

/)7d +e standin on a $hair with a noose around my ne$3#

-Silence..

/ )f you were alone do you thin3 you miht harm yourself4

/)7m s$ared ) miht#

/Could that +e prote$ti'e4

/1es# )t7s fear that 3eeps me away from the train tra$3s# )

:ust hope to od that death is the fu$3in end# ) feel li3e

)7m eihty years old# )7m tired of life and my mind wantsto die#

/That7s a metaphor, not reality#

/)t7s a simile#

/That7s not reality#

/)t7s not a metaphor, it7s a simile, +ut e'en if it were, thedefinin feature of a metaphor is that it7s real#

- A long silence..

/1ou are not eihty years old#

-Silence..

Are you4

- A silence..

Are you4

- A silence..

Br are you4

- A long silence..

/&o you despise all unhappy people or is it me

spe$ifi$ally4

/) don7t despise you# )t7s not your fault# 1ou7re ill#

/) don7t thin3 so#

/No# )7m depressed# &epression is aner# )t7s what you did,who was there and who you7re +lamin#

/And who are you +lamin4

/(yself#

0ody and soul $an ne'er +e married

) need to +e$ome who ) already am and will +ellow fore'er at

this in$onruity whi$h has $ommitted me to hell

)nsolu+le hopin $annot uphold me

) will drown in dysphoria

in the $old +la$3 pond of my self the pit of my immaterial mind

How $an ) return to formnow my formal thouht has one4

Not a life that ) $ould $ountenan$e#

They will lo'e me for that whi$h destroys me

the sword in my dreamsthe dust of my thouhts

the si$3ness that +reeds in the folds of my mind

E'ery $ompliment ta3es a pie$e of my soul

An e6pressionist naStallin +etween two fools

They 3now nothin / ) ha'e always wal3ed free

Last in a lon line of literary 3leptomania$s-a time honoured tradition.

Theft is the holy a$t

Bn a twisted path to e6pression

A lut of e6$lamation mar3s spells impendin ner'ous

+rea3down

Just a word on a pae and there is the drama

) write for the dead

the un+orn

After 8#89 ) shall not spea3 aain

) ha'e rea$hed the end of his dreary and repunant tale of a sense

interned in an alien $ar$ass and lumpen +y the malinant spirit of the

moral ma:ority

) ha'e +een dead for a lon time

0a$3 to my roots

) sin without hope on the +oundary

RSD* ASA*

Sometimes ) turn around and $at$h the smell of you and ) $annoto on ) $annot fu$3in o on without e6pressin this terri+le so

fu$3in awful physi$al a$hin fu$3in lonin ) ha'e for you#

And ) $annot +elie'e that ) $an feel this for you and you feelnothin# &o you feel nothin4

-Silence..

And ) o out at si6 in the mornin and start my sear$h for you# )f

)7'e dreamt a messae of a street or a pu+ or a station ) o there#

And ) wait for you#

-Silence..

1ou 3now, ) really feel li3e )7m +ein manipulated#

-Silence..

)7'e ne'er in my life had a pro+lem i'in another person what

they want# 0ut no one7s e'er +een a+le to do that for me# No onetou$hes me, no one ets near me# 0ut now you7'e tou$hed me

somewhere so fu$3in deep ) $an7t +elie'e and ) $an7t +e that for

you# 0e$ause ) $an7t find you#

-Silence..

2hat does she loo3 li3e4

And how will ) 3now her when ) see her4She7ll die, she7ll die, she7ll only fu$3in die#

-Silence..

&o you thin3 it7s possi+le for a person to +e +orn in the wron +ody4

-Silence..

u$3 you# u$3 you# u$3 you for re:e$tin me +y ne'er +ein

there, fu$3 you for ma3in me feel shit a+out myself, fu$3 you for

+leedin the fu$3in lo'e and life out of me, fu$3 my father forfu$3in up my life for ood and fu$3 my mother for not lea'in

him, +ut most of all, fu$3 you od for ma3in me lo'e a person

who does not e6ist,UCK 1BU UCK 1BU UCK 1BU#

/Bh dear, what7s happened to your arm4

/) $ut it#

/That7s a 'ery immature, attention see3in thin to do# &id

it i'e you relief4

/&id it relie'e the tension4

/&id it i'e you relief4

-Silence..

&id it i'e you relief4

/) don7t understand why you did that#

/Than as3#

/&id it relie'e the tension4

- A long silence..

Can ) loo34

/)7d li3e to loo3, to see if it7s infe$ted#

-Silence..

/) thouht you miht do this# Lots of people do# )t relie'es

the tension#

/Ha'e you e'er done it4

/No# ar too fu$3in sane and sensi+le# ) don7t 3now where

you read that, +ut it does not relie'e the tension#

-Silence..

2hy don7t you as3 me why4

Why did ) $ut my arm4

/2ould you li3e to tell me4

<Then tell me#

/ASK#(E#

- A long silence..

/2hy did you $ut your arm4

/0e$ause it feels fu$3in reat# 0e$ause it feels fu$3inamain#

/ Can ) loo34

/1ou $an loo3# 0ut don7t tou$h#

/- Looks. And you don7t thin3 you7re ill4

/) do# )t7s not your fault# 0ut you ha'e to ta3e responsi+ility

for your own a$tions# *lease don7t do it aain#

) dread the loss of her )7'e ne'er tou$hed

lo'e 3eeps me a sla'e in a $ae of tears) naw my tonue with whi$h to her ) $an ne'er spea3

) miss a woman who was ne'er +orn

) 3iss a woman a$ross the years that say we shall ne'er meet

E'erythin passes

E'erythin perishes E'erythin palls

my thouht wal3s away with a 3illin smile

lea'in dis$ordant an6iety

whi$h roars in my soul

No hope No hope No hope No hope No hope No hope No hope

A son for my lo'ed one, tou$hin her a+sen$e

the flu6 of her heart, the splash of her smile

)n ten years time she7ll still +e dead# 2hen )7m li'in with it,

dealin with it, when a few days pass when ) don7t e'en thin3

of it, she7ll still +e dead# 2hen )7m an old lady li'in ion the

street forettin my name she7ll still +e dead, she7ll still +edead, she7ll still +e dead, it7s :ust

fu$3in

and ) must stand alone

(y lo'e, my lo'e, why ha'e you forsa3en me4

She is the $ou$hin pla$e where ) ne'er shall lie

and there7s no meanin to life in the liht of my loss

0uilt to +e lonelyto lo'e the a+sent

ind meree me

from this

$orrosi'e dou+t

futile despair

horror in repose

) $an fill my spa$e

fill my time +ut nothin $an fill this 'oid in my heart

The 'ital need for whi$h ) would die

0rea3down

/No ifs or +uts#

/) didn7t say if or +ut, ) said no#

/Can7t must ne'er ha'e;to always won7t should shan7t#

The unneotia+les Not today#

-Silence..

/*lease# &on7t swit$h off my mind +y attemptin tostraihten me out# Listen and understand, and when you

feel $ontempt don7t e6press it, at least not 'er+ally, at leastnot to me#

-Silence..

/) don7t feel $ontempt#

/No# )t7s not your fault#

/)t7s not your fault, that7s all ) e'er hear, it7s not your fault,

it7s an illness, it7s not your fault, ) 3now it7s not my fault#

1ou7'e told me that so often )7m +einnin to thin3 it is myfault#

/)t7s not your fault#

/) KNB2#

/0ut you allow it#

-Silence..

&on7t you4

/There7s not a dru on earth $an ma3e life meaninful#

/1ou allow this state of desperate a+surdity#

-Silence..

1ou allow it#

-Silence..

/) won7t +e a+le to thin3# ) won7t +e a+le to wor3#

/Nothin will interfere with your wor3 li3e sui$ide#

-Silence..

/) dreamt ) went to the do$tor7s and she a'e me eiht

minutes to li'e# )7d +een sittin in the fu$3in waitin

room half an hour#

- A long silence..

B3ay, let7s do it, let7s do the drus, let7s do the $hemi$al

lo+otomy, let7s shut down the hiher fun$tions of my +rainand perhaps )7ll +e a +it more fu$3in $apa+le of li'in#

Let7s do it#

a+stra$tion to the point of

unpleasant

una$$epta+le

uninspirin

impenetra+le

irrele'ant

irre'erentirreliious

unrepentant

) don7t imaine

-$learly.

that a sinle soul

should or will

and if they did

) don7t thin3

-$learly.that another soul

a soul li3e mine

would should

or will

irrespe$ti'e

) 3now what )7m doin

all too well

No nati'e spea3er

irrational

irredu$i+leirredeema+le

unre$onisa+le

derailed

deraned

deform

free form

o+s$ure to the point of

True Riht Corre$t

Anyone or any+odyEa$h e'ery all

drownin in a sea of loi$

this monstrous state of palsy

still ill

Symptoms% Not eatin, not sleepin, not spea3in, no se6 dri'e,

in despair, wants to die#

&ianosis% *atholoi$al rief#

Sertraline, @"m# )nsomnia worsened, se'ere an6iety, anore6ia,

-weiht loss <>3s,. in$rease in sui$idal thouhts, plans andintention# &is$ontinued followin hospitalisation#

Folpi$lone, >#@m# Slept# &is$ontinued followin rash# *atientattempted to lea'e hospital aainst medi$al ad'i$e# Restrained +y

three male nurses twi$e her sie# *atient threatenin and

un$ooperati'e# *aranoid thouhts / +elie'es hospital staff are

attemptin to poison her#

(elleril, @"m# Co;operati'e#

Lofepramine, >"m, in$reased to <8"m, then <"m# 2eiht

ain <3s# Short term memory loss# No other rea$tion#

Arument with :unior do$tor whom she a$$used of trea$hery after

whi$h she sha'ed her head and $ut her arms with a raor +lade#

*atient dis$hared into the $are of the $ommunity on arri'al ofa$utely psy$hoti$ patient in emeren$y $lini$ in reater need of a

hospital +ed#

Citalopram, "m# (ornin tremors# No other rea$tion#

Lofepramine and Citalopram dis$ontinued after patient ot pissedof with side affe$t and la$3 of o+'ious impro'ement#

&is$ontinuation symptoms% &iiness and $onfusion# *atient 3ept

fallin o'er, faintin and wal3in out in front of $ars# &elusional

ideas / +elie'es $onsultant is the anti$hrist#

luo6etine hydro$hloride, trade name *roa$, "m, in$reased to

8"m# )nsomnia, errati$ appetite, -weiht loss <83s,. se'erean6iety, una+le to rea$h orasm, homi$idal thouhts towards

se'eral do$tors and dru manufa$turers# &is$ontinued#

(ood% u$3in anry

Affe$t% Dery anry#

Thoraine, <""m# Slept# Calmer#

Denlafa6ine, >@m, in$reased to <@"m, then @m# &iiness,

low +lood pressure, heada$hes# No other rea$tion# &is$ontinued#

*atient de$lined Sero6at# Hypo$hondria / $ites spasmodi$

+lin3in and se'ere memory loss as e'iden$e of tardi'e

dys3inesia and tardi'e dementia#

Refused all further treatment#

<"" aspirin and one +ottle of 0ularian Ca+ernet Sau'inon,<=9?# *atient wo3e up in a pool of 'omit and said 7Sleep with a

do and rise full of fleas#7 Se'ere stoma$h pain# No other rea$tion#

Hat$h opens

Star3 liht

the tele'ision tal3s

full of eyes

the spirits of siht

and now ) am so afraid

)7m seein thins)7m hearin thins

) don7t 3now who ) am

tonue out

thouht stalled

the pie$emeal $rumple of my mind

2here do ) start42here do ) stop4

How do ) start4

-As ) mean to o on.

How do ) stop4

How do ) stop4How do ) stop4

How do ) stop4

How do ) stop4 A ta+ of pain

How do ) stop4 Sta++in my lunsHow do ) stop4 A ta+ of death

How do ) stop4 S5ueein my heart

)7ll die

not yet +ut it7s here

*lease###

(oney###

2ife###

E'ery a$t is a sym+ol

the weiht of whi$h $rushes me

A dotted line on the throat

CUT HERE

&BN7T LET TH)S K)LL (E

TH)S 2)LL K)LL (E AN& CRUSH (E AN&

SEN& (E TB HELL

) +e you to sa'e me from this madness that eats me

a su+;intentional death

) thouht ) should ne'er spea3 aain +ut now ) 3now there is somethin +la$3er than desire

perhaps it will sa'e me

perhaps it will 3ill me

a dismal whistle that is the $ry of heart+rea3 around the

hellish +owl at the $eilin of my mind

a +lan3et of roa$hes

$ease this war

(y les are empty

Nothin to say

And there is the rhythm of madness

/) assed the Jews, ) 3illed the Kurds, ) +om+ed the Ara+s,) fu$3ed small $hildren while they +eed for mer$y, the

3illin fields are mine, e'eryone left the party +e$ause of

me, )7ll su$3 your fu$3in eyes out sent them to yourmother in a +o6 and when ) die )7m oin to +e

rein$arnated as your $hild only fifty times worse and as

mad as all fu$3 )7m oin to ma3e your life a li'in

fu$3in hell ) REUSE ) REUSE ) REUSE LBBKA2A1 RB( (E

/)t7s all riht#

/LBBK A2A1 RB( (E

/)t7s all riht# )7m here#

/Loo3 away from me

2hy am ) stri$3en4

) saw 'isions of od

and it shall $ome to pass

rid yoursel'es%

for ye shall +e +ro3en in pie$es

it shall $ome to pass

0ehold the liht of despair

the lare of anuishand ye shall +e dri'en to dar3ness

)f there is +lastin-there shall +e +lastin.

the names of offenders shall +e shouted form the rooftops

ear odand his wi$3ed $on'o$ation

a s$all on my s3in, a seethe in my heart

a +lan3et of roa$hes on whi$h we dan$ethis infernal state of siee

All this shall $ome to pass

all the words of my noisome +reath

Remem+er the liht and +elie'e the liht

Christ is dead

and the mon3s are in e$stasy

2e are the a+:e$ts

who depose our leadersand +urn in$ense unto 0aal

Come now, let us reason toether Sanity is found in the mountain of the Lord7s house on the

horion of the soul that eternally re$edes

The head is si$3, the heart7s $aul torn

Thread the round on whi$h wisdom wal3sEm+ra$e +eautiful lies /

the $hroni$ insanity of the sane

the wren$hin +eins

/At 8#89

when sanity 'isits

for one hour and twel'e minutes ) am in my riht mind#2hen it has passed ) shall +e one aain,

a framented puppet, a rotes5ue fool#

Now ) am here ) $an see myself +ut when ) am $harmed +y 'ile delusions of happiness,

the foul mai$ of this enine of sor$ery,

) $annot tou$h my essential self#

2hy do you +elie'e me then and now4

Remem+er the liht and +elie'e the liht# Nothin matters more#

Stop :udin +y appearan$es and ma3e a riht :udement#

/)t7s all riht# 1ou will et +etter#

/1our dis+elief $ures nothin#

Loo3 away from me#

Hat$h opens

Star3 liht

A ta+le two $hairs and no windows

Here ) am

and there is my +ody

dan$in on lass

)n a$$ident time where there are no a$$idents

1ou ha'e no $hoi$e

the $hoi$e $omes after

Cut out my tonue

tear out my hair

$ut off my lim+s +ut lea'e me my lo'e

) would rather ha'e lost my les

pulled out my teethoued out my eyes

than lost my lo'e

flash fli$3er slash +urn wrin press da+ slash

flash fli$3er pun$h +urn float fli$3er da+ fli$3er

pun$h fli$3er flash +urn da+ press wrin press

pun$h fli$3er float +urn flash fli$3er +urn

it will ne'er pass

da+ fli$3er pun$h slash wrin slash pun$h slash

float fli$3er flash pun$h wrin press flash press

da+ fli$3er wrin +urn fli$3er da+ flash da+ float +urn press +urn fli$3er +urn flash

Nothin7s fore'er

-+ut Nothin.

slash wrin pun$h +urn fli$3er da+ float da+

fli$3er +urn pun$h +urn flash da+ press da+wrin fli$3er float slash +urn slash pun$h slash

press slash float slash fli$3er +urn da+

Di$tim# *erpetrator# 0ystander#

pun$h +urn float fli$3er flash fli$3er +urn slash

wrin press da+ slash flash fli$3er da+ fli$3er

pun$h fli$3er flash +urn da+ press fli$3er wrin

press pun$h flash fli$3er +urn fli$3er flash

the mornin +rins defeat

wrin slash pun$h slash float fli$3er flash pun$h

wrin da+ fli$3er pun$h slash press flash press

da+ fli$3er wrin +urn fli$3er da+ flash da+ float +urn press +urn flash fli$3er slash

+eautiful painthat says ) e6ist

fli$3er pun$h slash da+ wrin press +urn slash press slash pun$h fli$3er flash press +urn slash

da+ fli$3er float flash fli$3er da+ press +urn slash press slash pun$h flash fli$3er +urn

and a saner life tomorrow

Sanity is found at the $entre of $on'ulsion, where madness is

s$or$hed form the +ise$ted soul#

) 3now myself#

) see myself#

(y life is $auht in a we+ of reasonspun +y a do$tor to arument the sane#

At 8#89

) shall sleep

) $ame to you hopin to +e healed#

1ou are my do$tor, my sa'iour, my omnipotent :ude, my priest,

my od, the sureon of my soul#

And ) am your proselyte to sanity#

to a$hie'e oals and am+itions

to o'er$ome o+sta$les and attain a hih standard

to in$rease self;reard +y the su$$essful e6er$ise of talent

to o'er$ome opposition

to ha'e $ontrol and influen$e o'er others

to defend myself

to defend my psy$holoi$al spa$e

to 'indi$ate the eo

to re$ei'e attention

to +e seen and heard

to e6$ite, amae, fas$inate, sho$3, intriue, amuse, entertain,or enti$e others

to +e free from so$ial restri$tions

to resist $oer$ion and $onstri$tion

to +e independent and a$t a$$ordin to desire

to defy $on'ention

to a'oid pain

to a'oid shame

to o+literate past humiliation +y resumed a$tion

to maintain self;respe$t

to repress fear

to o'er$ome wea3ness

to +elon

to +e a$$epted

to draw $lose and en:oya+ly re$ipro$ate with another

to $on'erse in a friendly manner, to tell stories, e6$hanesentiments, ideas, se$rets

to $ommuni$ate, to $on'erse

to lauh and ma3e :o3es

to win affe$tion of desired Bther

to adhere and remain loyal to Bther

to en:oy sensuous e6perien$es with $athe$ted Bther

to feed, help, prote$t, $omfort, $onsole, support, nurse or

to +e fed, helped, prote$ted, $omforted, $onsoled,

supported, nursed or healed

to form mutually en:oya+le, endurin, $ooperatin and

re$ipro$atin relationship with Bther, with an e5ual

to +e fori'en

to +e lo'ed

to +e free

/1ou7'e seen the worst of me#

/) 3now nothin of you#

/0ut ) li3e you#

/) li3e you

-Silence..

/1ou7re my last hope#

- A long silence..

/1ou don7t need a friend you need a do$tor#

- A long silence..

/1ou are so wron#

- A very long silence..

/0ut you ha'e friends#

- A long silence..

1ou ha'e a lot of friends#2hat do you offer your friends to ma3e them so

supporti'e4

- A long silence..

2hat do you offer your friends to ma3e them sosupporti'e4

- A long silence..

2hat do you offer4

-Silence..

2e ha'e a professional relationship# ) thin3 we ha'e a ood

relationship# 0ut it7s professional#

-Silence..

) feel your pain +ut ) $annot hold your life in my hands#

-Silence..

1ou7ll +e all riht# 1ou7re stron# ) 3now you7ll +e o3ay

+e$ause ) li3e you and you $an7t li3e someone who doesn7t

li3e themself# The people ) fear for are the ones ) don7t li3e +e$ause they hate themsel'es so mu$h they won7t let

anyone else li3e them either# 0ut ) do li3e you# )7ll miss

you# And ) 3now you7ll +e o3#

-Silence..

(ost of my $lients want to 3ill me# 2hen ) wal3 out of hereat the end of the day ) need to o home to my lo'er and

rela6# ) need to +e with my friends and rela6# ) need my

friends to +e really toether#

-Silence..

) fu$3in hate this :o+ and ) need my friends to +e sane#

-Silence..

)7m sorry#

/)t7s not my fault#

/)7m sorry, that was a mista3e#

/)t7s not my fault#

/No# )t7s not your fault# )7m sorry#

-Silence..

) was tryin to e6plain /

/) 3now# )7m anry +e$ause ) understand, not +e$ause )

don7t#

attened up Shored up

Sho'ed up

my +ody de$ompensatesmy +ody flies apart

no way to rea$h out +eyond the rea$hin out )7'e already done

you will always ha'e a pie$e of me +e$ause you held my life in your hands

those +rutal hands

this will end me

) thouht it was silent

till it went silent

how ha'e you inspired this pain4

)7'e ne'er understood

what it is )7m not supposed to feel

li3e a +ird on the win in a swollen s3y

my mind is torn +y lihtnin

as it flies form the thunder +ehind

Hat$h opens

Star3 liht

and Nothin Nothin

see Nothin

2hat am ) li3e4

the $hild of neation

out of one torture $ham+er into another

a 'ile su$$ession of errors without remission

e'ery step of the way )7'e fallen

&espair propels me to sui$ide

Anuish for whi$h do$tors $an find no $ure Nor $are to understand

) hope you ne'er understand

0e$ause ) li3e you

) li3e you

still +la$3 water

as deep as fore'er

as $old as the s3yas still as my heart when your 'oi$e is one

) shall freee in hell

of $ourse ) lo'e youyou sa'ed my life

) wish you hadn7t

) wish you hadn7t) wish you7d left me alone

a +la$3 and white film of yes or no yes or no yes or no yes or no yes orno yes or no

)7'e always lo'ed you

e'en when ) hated you

2hat am ) li3e4

:ust li3e my father

oh no oh no oh no

Hat$h opens

Star3 liht

the rupture +eins

) don7t 3now where to loo3 anymore

Tired of $rowd sear$hin Telepathy

and hope

2at$h the stars predi$t the past

and $hane the world with a sil'er e$lipse

the only thin that7s permanent is destru$tion

we7re all oin to disappear

tryin to lea'e a mar3 more permanent that myself

)7'e not 3illed myself +efore so don7t loo3 for pre$edents2hat $ame +efore was :ust the +einnin

a $y$li$al fear

that7s not the moon it7s the earthA re'olution

&ear od, dear od, what shall ) do4

All ) 3now

is snow

and +la$3 despair

Nowhere left to turn

an ineffe$tual mortal spasmthe only alternati'e to murder

*lease don7t $ut me up to find out how ) died

)7ll tell you how ) died

Bne hundred Lofepramine, forty fi'e Fopi$lone, twenty fi'e

Temaepam, and twenty (elleril

E'erythin ) had

Swallowed

)t is done

+ehold the Eunu$h

of $astrated thouht

unwound

the $apture

the rapture the rupture

of a soul

a solo symphony

warm dar3ness

whi$h soa3s my eyes

) 3now no sin

this is the si$3ness of +e$omin reat

the 'ital need for whi$h ) would die

to +e lo'ed

)7m dyin for one who doesn7t $are

)7m dyin for one who doesn7t 3now

you7re +rea3in me

Spea3 Spea3

ten yard rin of failureloo3 away from me

(y final stand

No one spea3s

Dalidate me

2itness me

See meLo'e me

my final su+missionmy final defeat

the $hi$3en7s still dan$in

the $hi$3en won7t stop

) thin3 that you thin3 of me

the way )7d ha'e you thin3 of

the final periodthe final full stop

loo3 after your mum now

loo3 after your mum

0la$3 snow falls

in death you hold me

ne'er free

) ha'e no desire for death

no sui$ide e'er had

wat$h me 'anishwat$h me

'anish

wat$h me

)t is myself ) ha'e ne'er met, whose fa$e is pasted on the underside of my mind

please open the $urtains

sarah kane - 4.48 psychosis - original

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